I’m fucking disgusted.

Since he died I rarely leave my cluttered little apt anymore. It’s hot as fuck in here right now. I’m naked- in front of my fan- on the bed- next to a cat. Like I am every other day.

I don’t do shit anymore. He knew I’d end up like this. With the exception that I eat. A lot. We both thought I’d starve myself as I usually do when I’m unhappy with my inability to control things. You know, because it takes a lot of control to resist eating food when I’m so hungry that it feels as if my stomach is eating myself from the inside out. Yes, it’s not easy. But I went another way for some reason. I’m not liking it though- I think fat is disgusting. And I’ve got 20 extra pounds of it now, all around my midsection. Ugly.

Regarding never leaving the house, I have to twice a week for methadone and necessities like cat litter and candy and e-juice.

I lost interest and I’m too hot and uncomfortable to write. And typing this crap on a phone is excruciatingly slow and annoying. So I. Am. Outta here!

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2 comments

  1. Lydianon · January 29

    Dammit, I added a little text and of course now I don’t see it. Some of these editing apps are easy and intuitive. Apparently this is not one of them.

    Like

  2. Lydianon · 2 Days Ago

    Damn girl- whine much or what? I’m still disgusted though. My whole life I’ve been damn near anorexic, 87 lbs at one point. When Kaare was close to dying he told me how much he was worried about me, that I’d be all self destructive and let my world fall apart. Overdose or starve myself or some other stupid shit. It’s not as if I have a supportive​group of friends or anything, lol. So he made me promise to eat. Seriously, of all dumb things. So I forced myself. And it Backfired goddammit now I’ve gained like forty pounds! I’m a fuckin fat person Lol it’s hilarious but now I don’t know how to lose it. My whole life people have tried like hell to get me to gain weight, I never learned how to eat right. I don’t cook. I live on fast food, soda pop and Hostess. And I’m not even gonna consider dating until my body looks like it did 2 yrs ago. I’ve never been the prettiest girl in the room but at least I knew I looked great nekkid Lol. Now I don’t even have that. It’s been 2 yrs since he died and I think I’d like to meet someone, I don’t know…

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