None

What happened to all my old stuff? I probably had a bad day and deleted all of it. Rotten habit of mine that is. How else will I be able to prove my brilliance to future generations?

The drug induced ramblings were of particular interest. 😀

wp-1452469333193.jpegThough I was rather fond of the

I’m fucking disgusted.

Since he died I rarely leave my cluttered little apt anymore. It’s hot as fuck in here right now. I’m naked- in front of my fan- on the bed- next to a cat. Like I am every other day.

I don’t do shit anymore. He knew I’d end up like this. With the exception that I eat. A lot. We both thought I’d starve myself as I usually do when I’m unhappy with my inability to control things. You know, because it takes a lot of control to resist eating food when I’m so hungry that it feels as if my stomach is eating myself from the inside out. Yes, it’s not easy. But I went another way for some reason. I’m not liking it though- I think fat is disgusting. And I’ve got 20 extra pounds of it now, all around my midsection. Ugly.

Regarding never leaving the house, I have to twice a week for methadone and necessities like cat litter and candy and e-juice.

I lost interest and I’m too hot and uncomfortable to write. And typing this crap on a phone is excruciatingly slow and annoying. So I. Am. Outta here!

 

May 2018

So yeah, I still miss my bf. And unfortunately I didn’t stop at gaining 20 lbs. I fucking gained like 40 lbs. At least. Anything self destructive I go to with gusto- you bet! So now I’m no longer simply an ugly old hag. I’m a Fat ugly old hag.

3 comments

  1. Lydianon · January 29, 2017

    Dammit, I added a little text and of course now I don’t see it. Some of these editing apps are easy and intuitive. Apparently this is not one of them.

    Like

  2. Lydianon · December 11, 2017

    Damn girl- whine much or what? I’m still disgusted though. My whole life I’ve been damn near anorexic, 87 lbs at one point. When Kaare was close to dying he told me how much he was worried about me, that I’d be all self destructive and let my world fall apart. Overdose or starve myself or some other stupid shit. It’s not as if I have a supportive​group of friends or anything, lol. So he made me promise to eat. Seriously, of all dumb things. So I forced myself. And it Backfired goddammit now I’ve gained like forty pounds! I’m a fuckin fat person Lol it’s hilarious but now I don’t know how to lose it. My whole life people have tried like hell to get me to gain weight, I never learned how to eat right. I don’t cook. I live on fast food, soda pop and Hostess. And I’m not even gonna consider dating until my body looks like it did 2 yrs ago. I’ve never been the prettiest girl in the room but at least I knew I looked great nekkid Lol. Now I don’t even have that. It’s been 2 yrs since he died and I think I’d like to meet someone, I don’t know…

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:)

Irritates the Fuck outta me.

When I look at etsy or other vintage clothing sites and they’re calling Everything from the 90’s ‘grunge’. Conservative Mom dresses. Anything velvet. Boring preppy little outfits. I don’t know why it’s bothering me SO Fucking much but it is. I Hate when people use buzzwords to get views that are completely irrelevant. It’s cheating and wastes my time. When I’m looking for something specific I don’t wanna have to wade through a bunch of SHIT first. NOT everything in the 90’s was considered grunge. Look it up you Fucking idiots. I was there. I know. Music and style was a big part of my life back then. I wore that style. Get off the Fucking bandwagon. Idiots.

Dead bf.

Now he lives in a little rectangular box on my nightstand. Now I don’t have to worry about him anymore. Now I always know where he is. Now I’m never alone. We don’t hurt each other’s feelings these days. When I babble on about nothing in particular it feels pretty much the same because he usually just tuned me out. And that’s just fine with me. Sometimes I just feel like doing my stream-of-consciousness thing… When it’s important, he’s right there, when I need him to be.

He’s still the most important person in my world. It’s been over a year, dammit. Ain’t someone else supposed to have taken that spot over by now? Damn attention whore. O well, everyone else just bores the hell outta me, and I detest stupid people.

I’m fucking disgusted.

Since he died I rarely leave my cluttered little apt anymore. It’s hot as fuck in here right now. I’m naked- in front of my fan- on the bed- next to a cat. Like I am every other day.

I don’t do shit anymore. He knew I’d end up like this. With the exception that I eat. A lot. We both thought I’d starve myself as I usually do when I’m unhappy with my inability to control things. You know, because it takes a lot of control to resist eating food when I’m so hungry that it feels as if my stomach is eating myself from the inside out. Yes, it’s not easy. But I went another way for some reason. I’m not liking it though- I think fat is disgusting. And I’ve got 20 extra pounds of it now, all around my midsection. Ugly.

Regarding never leaving the house, I have to twice a week for methadone and necessities like cat litter and candy and e-juice.

I lost interest and I’m too hot and uncomfortable to write. And typing this crap on a phone is excruciatingly slow and annoying. So I. Am. Outta here!

 

May 2018

So yeah, I still miss my bf. And unfortunately I didn’t stop at gaining 20 lbs. I fucking gained like 40 lbs. At least. Anything self destructive I go to with gusto- you bet! So now I’m no longer simply an ugly old hag. I’m a Fat ugly old hag. Lol.